One Night Dating in D(ouche) C(ity) – The Guy’s Perspective – “It’s Not a Date Until You Touch Her Butt.”
I spoke with a very good friend of mine last night, and I asked him how his love life is/was going – he broke up with a long-term girlfriend a couple of weeks before jet setting to Greece for a summer fellowship because things just weren’t working out, and he got back to the good ole U. S. of A. a week ago. He says,
“Well, the last time I talked to my ex was a couple of days before I left for Greece, and – upon my return and with the help of facebook – I found out that she is already in a ‘serious’ relationship with an ex-boyfriend of hers who I had only heard of as her ‘really good friend.’ I don’t care, though. Before I left, I set up a nice lineup of girls to call when I got back to the States, and, surprisingly, that has been working out very nicely over the past week…I also went on several dates in Greece. What I really wanted to talk to you about though, is this great new life philosophy – ‘It’s not a date until you touch her butt.’”
OK! So, blah, blah, blah. Let’s ferret out the important information from this passage:
1. Guys facebook stalk, too. Amazing.
2. If I hear about one more person – male or female – rekindling an old flame with an ex, I may vom my honey-9 grain bagel with veggie cream cheese all over my monitor. Vomit. Vomit. Vomit. Except in a select few cases, re-hooking up with an ex is never a good idea. If it didn’t work out the first time, it’s probably not going to work out the second, third, fourth or fifth time. Once everything has been said and done…MOVE ON. I clearly do not have an especially strong opinion about this……………
3. Even nice guys have “game.” My friend is a really good guy, and the fact that he set up a “lineup of girls” to return home to is a bit disturbing. Be careful, ladies. On the flip side, however, good for him for taking care of business.
4. Guys also take full advantage of the rebound. “I went on several dates in Greece.” The good news is that he understands that he and his ex broke up because things weren’t working, he cares about her enough to facebook stalk her, but he is also rational enough to not make a huge scene about her rekindled romance because he is going on dates himself. Several points for my boy here.
5. Even guys need a good girl friend to talk to every once in a while. He was so proud to tell me about his new “life philosophy” – by which I think he meant “dating philosophy,” but – as far as I know – he never read YM, Seventeen or Cosmo, so I’ll let this slide.
6. On to the good stuff. “It’s not a date until you touch her butt.” I didn’t really know what to do with this statement at first, so I laughed and told him this was a typical, albeit fleeting, male life philosophy (probably of the week), right? “No, no, no. Think about it. My friend Josh told me I was brilliant because touching a girl’s butt is always the best part of a first date anyway. I figure, if you aren’t interested enough to touch her butt on the first date, you won’t be on the second.” Interesting, I thought. I tried to think of the last several dates I have been on where my butt had not been touched on that crucial first date, and – even when I went on to date number 2, 3, 4 and so on – every date where my butt was not at least grazed crashed and burned or fizzled out completely. Maybe he was right and our carnal instincts to go forth and procreate kick in when our lovely lady rumps are caressed. This calls for an empirical study that will start today, and I will get back to you all with the details. ASAP.
Moral of the story? Guys, men, boys, whatever your epithet of choice may be, are not all that different from the ladies out there. I don’t think that there really is a WORLD of difference between the Martian Men and the Women of Venus (pun intended – I’m a nerd). However, I do believe that the approach men take (making sure to have a lineup waiting, for example) and the approach that women take (which I will get to in my next post) are, in fact, worlds different. When we mostly have the same endgame of finding the right person, it is our method of attack, not ourselves that we need to change.
