One Night Dating in D(ouche) C(ity) – The Guy’s Perspective – “It’s Not a Date Until You Touch Her Butt.”
I spoke with a very good friend of mine last night, and I asked him how his love life is/was going – he broke up with a long-term girlfriend a couple of weeks before jet setting to Greece for a summer fellowship because things just weren’t working out, and he got back to the good ole U. S. of A. a week ago. He says,
“Well, the last time I talked to my ex was a couple of days before I left for Greece, and – upon my return and with the help of facebook – I found out that she is already in a ‘serious’ relationship with an ex-boyfriend of hers who I had only heard of as her ‘really good friend.’ I don’t care, though. Before I left, I set up a nice lineup of girls to call when I got back to the States, and, surprisingly, that has been working out very nicely over the past week…I also went on several dates in Greece. What I really wanted to talk to you about though, is this great new life philosophy – ‘It’s not a date until you touch her butt.’”
OK! So, blah, blah, blah. Let’s ferret out the important information from this passage:
1. Guys facebook stalk, too. Amazing.
2. If I hear about one more person – male or female – rekindling an old flame with an ex, I may vom my honey-9 grain bagel with veggie cream cheese all over my monitor. Vomit. Vomit. Vomit. Except in a select few cases, re-hooking up with an ex is never a good idea. If it didn’t work out the first time, it’s probably not going to work out the second, third, fourth or fifth time. Once everything has been said and done…MOVE ON. I clearly do not have an especially strong opinion about this……………
3. Even nice guys have “game.” My friend is a really good guy, and the fact that he set up a “lineup of girls” to return home to is a bit disturbing. Be careful, ladies. On the flip side, however, good for him for taking care of business.
4. Guys also take full advantage of the rebound. “I went on several dates in Greece.” The good news is that he understands that he and his ex broke up because things weren’t working, he cares about her enough to facebook stalk her, but he is also rational enough to not make a huge scene about her rekindled romance because he is going on dates himself. Several points for my boy here.
5. Even guys need a good girl friend to talk to every once in a while. He was so proud to tell me about his new “life philosophy” – by which I think he meant “dating philosophy,” but – as far as I know – he never read YM, Seventeen or Cosmo, so I’ll let this slide.
6. On to the good stuff. “It’s not a date until you touch her butt.” I didn’t really know what to do with this statement at first, so I laughed and told him this was a typical, albeit fleeting, male life philosophy (probably of the week), right? “No, no, no. Think about it. My friend Josh told me I was brilliant because touching a girl’s butt is always the best part of a first date anyway. I figure, if you aren’t interested enough to touch her butt on the first date, you won’t be on the second.” Interesting, I thought. I tried to think of the last several dates I have been on where my butt had not been touched on that crucial first date, and – even when I went on to date number 2, 3, 4 and so on – every date where my butt was not at least grazed crashed and burned or fizzled out completely. Maybe he was right and our carnal instincts to go forth and procreate kick in when our lovely lady rumps are caressed. This calls for an empirical study that will start today, and I will get back to you all with the details. ASAP.
Moral of the story? Guys, men, boys, whatever your epithet of choice may be, are not all that different from the ladies out there. I don’t think that there really is a WORLD of difference between the Martian Men and the Women of Venus (pun intended – I’m a nerd). However, I do believe that the approach men take (making sure to have a lineup waiting, for example) and the approach that women take (which I will get to in my next post) are, in fact, worlds different. When we mostly have the same endgame of finding the right person, it is our method of attack, not ourselves that we need to change.
One Night In DC: Learning that DC Politicians / Professionals Can Be Funny…? (still skeptical)
On 
Wednesday, September 10th, the 15th Annual Funniest Celebrity In Washington Contest will take place at DC Improv (1140 Connecticut Avenue, NW). I have never attended this event personally, but it seems quite interesting.
First off, all money raised will go to benefit VSA Arts which is “an international, nonprofit organization founded in 1974 by Ambassador Jean Kennedy Smith to create a society where all people with disabilities learn through, participate in and enjoy the arts.” This is an amazing cause that elevates the quality of life of disabled people by giving them the opportunity to learn about art and participate in activities that they may not have had the opportunity to do otherwise.
How does this event raise money, you ask? There is a fee of $200/ticket or $5,000/table as well as sponsorship opportunities ranging between $5,000 and $25,000. Two-hundred dollars may seem like a lot to throw down for one evening, but the money goes to a really great cause AND you will be entertained by the comedic stylings of “DC celebrities” such as, but not limited to, Dan Glickman, President of the Motion Picture Associate of America, Riz Khan of Al Jazeera Radio, David Shuster of Hardball, Mike Huckabee, 2008 Presidential Candidate and Michelle Bernard, President of Independent Women’s Forum.
I plan on attending this event to remind myself that the politicians and professionals that make up this elite group of so-called ”DC celebrities” are people too. I doubt I will have a cataclysmic moment where I run to the front of the room to embrace these beings that I may then consider part of the lovely group Homo erectus, but, who knows, anything could happen…is this event open bar?
To find the answer to that question and any others you may have, visit funniestcelebrity.org. Here you will find a list of past celebrity contestants, winners and judges as well as information about how to purchase tickets…and more.
One Night Learning to Give Advice
Every person is different, and every person attracts or is attracted to varying qualities in a potential partner. So, this is the “duh” moment where you, the reader, question why you read a blog that would dare to offend you so by posting such an obvious statement. Well, a*holes, I’m using this obvious statement to launch into a discussion on what you should do if you absolutely hate your best friend’s girlfriend or boyfriend. This is the touchiest of subjects and one that has more possible endings than a “choose your own ending” mystery book.
The first rule of criticizing a very close friend’s not-so-better-half is to gauge your audience. If said friend walked into a store and tried on the most hideous ensemble and you made this fact known, would your friend (a) laugh, say you’re right and immediately take it off, (b) look wounded and attacked at the thought of anything looking hideous on them…are you saying I’m fat?, or (c) would your friend take the “whatevs” route and buy it anyway because he/she LOVES how big it makes his/her ass look? These are all things to think about when approaching the situation. Know who you are talking to and know how to approach the conversation because if you don’t, said friend will go on the defensive, and you might as well start talking gibberish, because it will be equally as ineffective as standard English.
Second, choose your battles. CHOOSE. YOUR. BATTLES. I can’t stress this enough. While there is the proverbial fine line between love and hate, there is a stadium-sized gaping hole between giving advice and being a nag. If you are the type of person to criticize EVERYTHING, maybe you should get one of your more laid back mutual friends to approach the situation of the Dr. Jekyll who is greedily eating up your friend’s time and sense of fun & adventure.
The third piece of advice should be obvious, but I’ve never been known to blindly hand out pieces of my “benefit of the doubt” cake, so, third, make sure he/she is not present when you begin to give your advice. I value my friends who are true to themselves and say what they think no matter what, but, in this scenario, use discretion. Once you isolate the vile monster your friend carelessly gave his/her heart to, you’ve also isolated your friend. Don’t create an awkward situation for anyone because, brace yourself, who knows what this blind, trial run of a life might hold…in this situation it could be marriage [insert piercing scream, thunder, etc.]. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to this, but, if it does - and this is a very close friend of yours, Vile Monster will probs not want you to be a part of their joyous recognition of “forever” before the eyes of God, Buddha, Allah, space…whatever they may believe.
Fourth, and finally, step back from the situation and take off your black-colored glasses of cynicism. Is your friend happy? This is the most important point. If a socially awkward, googly-eyed subhuman makes your friend happy, then what’s the problem? Does he/she treat your friend right, better your friend’s quality of life, share common life goals, push for your friend to do everything he/she has ever dreamed of? If the answer to all of these questions is yes…or, more simply, as long as the answer to these questions isn’t a desperate and immediate “NO! HE/SHE JUST SUCKS!” then back off. However, should you have this violently guttural response, then something clearly needs to be said or done. Your friend needs to be reminded of how special he/she is and that, no matter how counter-intuitive this may feel, it’s sometimes better to be alone and happy than coupled and miserable. This is the point in my advice where we loop back around to my first point. If something needs to be said or done, the only effective way to give advice is to gauge your audience and keep your friend from going on the defensive. He/she needs to know that you are even discussing this topic with him/her because you care and you want him/her to have the best of everything life has to offer. After all, we are talking about your friend here…they must awesome and worth it.
If you read through this post and thought, hmmm, this “vile monster” sounds like MY significant other, remember that while the 21st Century isn’t conducive to saving your virginity for marriage…at least save marriage for marriage and do it once…when you’re ready…and when it’s right.
One Night in Happy Hour Hell
Placing a large group of diverse “adults” who are fresh out of college into a professional work environment often leads to drama, gossip, sexual tension, awkwardness or some mix of all of these (and probably more). Networks like MTV and VH1 have been capitalizing on the grouping of this demographic for years with shows like The Real World.
Knowing all of this, the dynamic of my relationships with my coworkers has always been a bit volatile. The 20-something “coworker” is an untamed animal that I am just beginning to understand. Very deliberately prancing gently around the office, my daily goal is to make it from 9 to 5 with nary a scratch to show for it. I will proceed with this post under the assumption that the “coworker” is an hermaphroditic animal, completely androgynous to the naked eye because the designation of “man” and “woman” have no bearing upon behavior in this discussion of relationships in the workplace.
For anyone who has ever worked in a professional setting, it is pretty clear that an office is a breeding ground for stereotypes. I will take these stereotypes one step further…
1. The Anti-Social Socialite. The anti-social socialite (ASS) does a very good job of separating work from personal life. It is not uncommon for this person to exhibit minimal personality in the office, often ignoring emails to attend group lunches and happy hours. People tend to view the anti-social socialite as either (1) a person void of social skills or (2) as a bitch/douchebag. Only other anti-social socialites can see the ASS for who they truly are. In a Utopian society, these people would probably be friends, but one ASS befriending another ASS would completely go against the very thing that makes an ASS an ASS. However, each recognizes that he/she understands the other by giving a respectful upnod and moving on.
2. Clingy Clare(nce). The Clingy Clare’s of the office are the most difficult to recognize straightaway, and herein lies the potential danger that goes along with befriending one of these creatures. The CC seems perfectly normal at first, engaging even – luring unsuspecting victims to his/her office or cubicle. Clingy Clare’s are typically non-native inhabitants of the city/town you work in, and they most certainly lack human interaction/friendships outside of the office. For this reason, CC’s view coworkers within +/- 5 years of their own age to be their really close friends. Often viewing themselves as the social glue that connects people of their own age bracket, your failure to attend a happy hour or lunch that a CC organizes is a disrespectful slap in the face and he/she takes this very seriously. If you meet a CC, you should proceed with caution – acting like you are interested in what they have to say will only make the CC assume you are his/her best friend faster. If, however, you find that you have given the CC the wrong impression, the situation can become very ugly very quickly. Never divulge anything private to a CC because WHEN (not if, when) you offend them, your secret(s) will be disclosed immediately to all of his/her other “friends” in the office. The ASS and the CC never get along.
3. Doormat Daniel(le). There really isn’t much to say about Doormat Daniel (DD) other than he/she works very hard to fit in with people at work by checking his/her personality and opinions at the door. Unlike the ASS, the DD is very concerned with how he/she is viewed by coworkers and will do or say anything to be liked and invited to lunches/happy hours. Clingy Clara’s and Doormat Daniel’s are often seen roaming around the office in twos. The ASS has zero respect for the DD, and the DD is pushed to hate the ASS via influence from the CC – who is highly offended by the ASS’s apathetic attitude.
4. Sultry Sharon. Sultry Sharon (SS) is a woman…9.7 times out of 10. This is the one stereotype where a gender-biased approach is necessary. Channeling Samantha from SATC, SS turns every conversation into either a blatantly sexual or sexually implicit dialogue. She is the office ho fo sho. She typically gets along with CC’s and DD’s, and the ASS’s will not talk to her but have no problem with her practice.
5. Millionaire Milton(ia). Millionaire Milton’s are the people who were shat upon all throughout life, but, now that they are making bank, men and women tend to pay much more attention to him/her. As a Coach salesperson loves a kid with daddy’s credit card, gold diggers love the MM’s of the world. MM’s are attracted to the Sultry Sharon’s of the office because even a ho fo sho is more desirous than a plastic, blow-up doll. *sigh* On the friendship front, while MM’s are generally too busy to build any sort of relationship with the CC’s, the DD’s comprise the backbone, flesh, heart and life of the MM’s ego. As blood to a vampire, the MM’s ego relies primarily on external validation provided almost exclusively by the DD’s with their ever-present willingness to hang on every uttered word, the oo’s, the ah’s and the unwavering admiration.
While other personalities serve as buffers between these strong personalities, the above-referenced motley crew of modern employees are the most common stereotypes that destroy industry lines and infest all aspects of our working world.
WORD OF WARNING: If you are contemplating an afterhours cocktail with these folk, remember one thing: 20-something-aged coworkers + alcohol + no supervision from the boss = one night in happy hour hell…and potentially one new resume on Monster.com. Dun. Dun. Dun.
One Night in Bliss
Bliss, n. – supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment.
With a name like “Bliss,” the Black Cat sets the bar incredibly high for a euphoric and glee-filled evening. They. Always. Deliver. Bliss typically occurs on the 4th Saturday of every month with DJ Will Eastman – the main attraction – alongside his guest DJ of choice. The music is a mix of new and old, 80′s and house, pop and indie. There is something for everyone. Even though you may hear a muffled groan as the first chords of a Stevie Nicks song sound, the crowd never stops dancing…and, within mere seconds, the majority of the “groaners” are belting out the lyrics with the same enthusiasm as a misunderstood adolescent who is hearing “Smells Like Teen Spirit” live for the first time. Rewind. Insert a different song. Play. Same reaction. On and on the night unfolds in one glorious loop. The crowd – an amorphous blob of body parts, dance moves and copious amounts of sweat – is never let down by the charismatic Mr. Eastman who has a knack for giving you exactly what you want…even when you aren’t able to articulate what you wanted in the first place.
So I’m not totally licking the balls o’ Bliss, there is one con that comes to mind. The bar only accepts cash. Weak, I know, but it’s all I’ve got.
On August 23, Bliss will be celebrating 8 years of “Did someone just slip ecstasy into my drink? No, I’m in DC” entertainment.
